TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely from place. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another put where American Males can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This Trump Tower Damascus really is tender electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he ought to cease employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from Global traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will even involve:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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